A Monday Writer Funny...

 

Deadlines...

 

Can't shoot'em, can't miss'em, can't trade'em for hockey cards, can't disinfect'em.

 

They don't even have the half life of plutonium.

 

They won't go to your neighbor's house even if they have better kibble.

 

And they won't pick up after themselves, and they won't load the dishwasher.

 

But they're there, alright, hanging around...

Gotta finally meet them to make them go away.

 

On Mondays, they play under my bed to wake me up. Sometimes I even have to feed'em before my first cup of coffee.

 

Yeah, they're motivational alright.

 

Until the ID Channel airs a perfect murder involving them as victims, they remain. ;-)

Got Imagination?

 

You're lying in bed.

Dried milk mustache adorns your upper lip.

A crusty bowl of leftover cereal sits silently on your bedside table, mocking you.

 

You know you need to write. Even the cereal bowl knows that.

But you don't have a clue about what to write.

 

You promised a story to someone, somewhere, due super soon. You're sure of it. You nibble at your nails for nourishment. The cereal didn't cut it.

 

You look up.

Your ceiling is giving you no inspiration... although you do see a teeny tiny spider making web hay in the corner, near where your fern plant hangs that you never seem to water until Firemen burst through your door with a hose, as a clue.

 

You sigh... *big sigh*

You winch yourself up, look over your mattress, and see "things," fuzzy furry things peeking out from under your bed.

You realize they are dust bunnies.

With a look of disdain and disgust, you flop back down, despondent.

 

Then it hits you!

 

Samuel Spider, the warlord of Fernland, and Dirk and Dan Dust Bunnies are joining forces in a quest to find the treasure - the lost bowl of King Tut's Fruit Loops!

 

You leap out of bed, grab a leftover napkin you obviously didn't use in that cereal foray, and you madly jot down the first sentences to a trilogy that goes so viral even J. K. Rowling calls you up to meet for brunch.

 

Hey, stuff like this happens all the time!

 

Go ahead, lie there, look around you, use your imaginative brain. 

Lying in your bed, you can only go up from here!

What If - The Under Bed Saga...

 

You're about to write.

 

Oh, geez... you feel AWFUL!

What if the words...

What if the readers...

What if the agents...!

Rrrright.... that does sound horrifying.

 

No way should you write with those What If's!

Hide!

Yeah, right there, under your bed!

Ignore the dust bunnies. Use them as writer What If camouflage!

 

Stay there, hiding forever! Seriously!

If I were you I'd stay there. 

 

Only place you're safe from THOSE terrifying What If's. 

Crikey, I'm shocked you're still breathing having those What If's near you!

 

And once it's dawn ('cause EVERYBODY knows What If's can't get you once the sun comes up), donate your writing pen, burn your writing paper, put your laptop on eBay, and thank your lucky stars you managed to not write in the knick of time. Cripes, that was close!

 

Man... bloody good thinking on your part, to not write. Now that you're safe, you have wayyyyyy more time to read other writers' writing, and be dead jealous of their successful careers until you die. 

Yay, team!

 

I'll check in on you tomorrow, to see how your not writing is going. 

I'll know to look for you under your bed, no worries.

The Work...

 

You sit down at your writing desk.

 

You adjust the items laying there.

 

You notice some dust.

You go to the utility closet to get furniture polish and a duster.

You polish, return spray and duster, and you sit back down.

 

You pick up a pen or place fingers on keys.

 

You hesitate... you project that 1000-yard stare battle weary soldiers, and writers, do.

You begin to lay down words at a feverish pace.

You finish.

 

You sit back and admire your work.

 

Today, your time spent in the grocery store will be streamlined, thanks to this superb list!

Uh-huh....